Importance
by Bamfbugboy
Summary: Following the end of the game, Titania Hawke and Anders run deep into the Marshes to escape the developing war and eventually regroup with the rest of the crew. After settling down for the evening, her and Anders have a talk about what happened on that fateful day in Kirkwall.


"I thought you would have fallen asleep by now," Anders says softly over the sound of the crackling fire.

"You nearly collapsed after our fight with Meredith."

Hawke turns her head and looks at him as he lays in his bedroll facing her. Concern marks his features. She hasn't even taken off her armor since the made a break for it into the hills of the Free Marshes. She hasn't wiped all of the blood off her face, and she won't let him, either. It's her blood and the blood of Meredith.

"I wanted you to rest first. I have been keeping watch."

"Titania—"

"Please, just rest."

"I am rested well enough." Anders moves into an upright position and glances away from her briefly to reach out through his magic, testing it to see if anyone is out there besides them. When he senses nothing but nature, he lowers his hand and leans on it. "We didn't have a chance to fully talk in the temple."

"We said what needed to be said. You know where my heart lies, Anders."

He swallows hard. He knows indeed that she loves him despite all that has happened. Despite him keeping the truth of their visit to the Chantry a secret, despite constantly putting her in danger, despite his apologies and attempts at explanation, she still loves him, but he knows that her iron clad heart has been dented and injured.

Anders tentatively reaches out and touches her armored chest. She takes his wrist and holds him still. She raises her blue eyes to look at him.

"Please, let me tend to them." Anders frowns and cannot raises his voice higher than a whisper. "It pains me to see you injured, especially on my behalf."

"You were not the one who drove a blade between the pieces of my armor."

He may not have literally done it, but in ways he feels as if he has.

"The templars did it, and we have already avenged their injuries."

Anders sighs. He nods. She still holds his hand, but her grip on it loosens until she lets go of it.

"Please, let me help."

His Titania gives him a look that makes his own heart clench in his chest. He carries little regrets about what happened, but he does regret hurting her and betraying her trust, even if it was a necessary evil.

"Very well."

Hawke starts to unstrap her chestpiece and removes her pauldrons. Her gloves come off last and her layer of underarmor is revealed. The upper left portion is torn and ruined from where the blade nicked her beneath her underarm. Any lower and the blade could have pierced her heart.

"Come now, lay on my bedroll, you'll be more comfortable."

She takes his hand and he moves over to allow her to lay down. She folds her hands across her abdomen and looks up into his eyes. His eyes wander over her covered chest and he remembers looking upon her bare body and the many scars she had earned defending others. She always put others before herself. She was too good for Kirkwall, too good for Thedas, too good for him.

The blue magic emits from his fingers and radiates to her wounds. She settles back against the bedroll and does not close her eyes like she has done before as he healed her. Instead, she keeps her gaze fixed upon him.

In some ways, he wishes she would cast him aside. Though he loves her, he worries about their future together. What would become of them? Would they ever be able to return to a semblence of their lives before?

"Anders."

He blinks and frowns. "Sorry. Yes?"

"It's healed."

He blinks again and scrambles to see that yes, indeed, the wound is closed and sealed. The magic fades from his grasp. He pulls back and scratches his neck.

"Sorry."

"No need to apologize. You mended it cleanly. Thank you."

Anders attempts a small smile, hoping that perhaps there is something still. Her eyes do not brighten, and they remain shadowed. Her frown deepens and she closes her eyes and looks away.

"I'm sorry, Anders."

"You don't need to apologize either, especially since you have done nothing wrong. All you have ever done is help me."

Immediately he realizes that his words have caused her more pain than comfort. He scrambles to find the right words this time but comes up short.

"Maker, I'm stumbling about this blindly, aren't I?"

Silence falls between them, and Anders runs a hand over his face and hangs his head in shame. He doesn't know what to say. His own self-fulfilling prophecy has come true. He has broken her heart and made their relationship a disaster.

"It isn't the deaths of the clerics that weighs upon my conscience, Anders," his Hawke finally says. "I regret that matters escalated as they did. I wish I had been able to do something earlier, but as you know, I am always too late."

Anders takes her by the shoulder and turns her. He cups her cheek and shakes his head.

"No! You were not late. These matters were set in stone for years. As I said before, we can either face a slow, gruesome death, or we can move forward and do what we can for mages."

"I have seen so much death since leaving Ferelden. It still pains me, it still shocks me, and it is still something I work to prevent. It is what drives me, the will to protect." She sighs and holds her head in her hand. "I wanted to protect you, Bethany, and Merrill."

"And you did. You stood by our sides and supported us when no one else would. You were our strength and our shield."

"It wasn't enough. I left Bethany behind, and I was too late to return and save her from the Circle. I was too late for our mother. I was too late to…"

Hawke turns her attention up to the night sky.

"I don't know. It wasn't a desire to save you from yourself, it was a desire to see this through together. I have lost so many people I love. I vowed not to lose you. In a way, I know I have."

"You have not lost me, Hawke. I told you that there are some things that are more important than love, I—"

"That's exactly the issue at hand. You said it yourself. I have given you my sword and my support. I have given you my faith and my trust. I am not afraid of what they dared to throw our way, I am afraid, however, that you will never trust me. To me, Anders, trust is more important than love. You have to trust someone in order to love."

"Hindsight will forever eat away at me, Titania, but I don't know how you would have responded to my plan. I wanted to protect you, as you have done for me."

"Our definition of protection is different, then. Everything falls upon trust."

"What would you have had me do? Tell you?"

Hawke snaps. "I would have had you trust me! Have I given you doubt? Have I made it unclear where my loyalties lie? I have walked with you through the Fade, I have seen Justice and I have accepted you both and respected you as an equal. This respect is not mutual."

Anders frowns. He understands her argument. He has understood it since the temple. "You're right. It was foolish of me not to share it with you, regardless. I didn't trust you then, but now, I do."

"Do you really, Anders? After six years, you now trust me?"

"No. It's not just now." Anders shakes his head and smiles at her. "I have trusted you over these years. I made a lapse in judgment. While the ends were justified, the means were not. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for lying to you, for doubting your loyalty and your abilities and your strength. I manipulated you. I am forever regretful for that. I know that it will always be a thorn in your heart."

Hawke closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She doesn't yet raise her head.

"I know there is more to us than love. I know it isn't as important, but understand, Anders, that everything I do is for love. I love my sister, I loved my father, and I…" Her heart pangs in her chest. "I do love you."

"When I said that there are more important things than love, I was rather harsh. Again, the means I regret, the ends I do not. I set us on this path but I want you to be our guide. I want nothing more than to stay with you. I need you, Titania. I—I understand now."

The sentiment is powerful now that it wracks his body.

"You fight to protect the ones you love. You fought to bring your family away from the Blight. You fought to reclaim your family's home for the sake of your mother and sister. You have helped strangers, elves, mages, the poor, the sick—you have even helped your enemies, and that is a kindness that I still grapple with understanding completely. You embody something rare and special, and I apologize for not understanding it all these years."

Titania turns her head and looks at him directly.

"I am a man who tended to the ill and the dying, and yet that does not compare to what you have done. I freed the mages but at great cost."

"Meredith was ill. She, like Bartrand, was too far gone. Vengeance ate at her, and the idol grasped that."

"You have patience and compassion not even I can fathom. To love a stranger, even your enemy…it is not something I can easily do myself."

"You don't need to, Anders. That's not what I'm asking of you. I'm talking of trust."

"And as you said, without trust there can be no love. I did trust you. I made a mistake and broke that between us."

Titania grows quiet as she moves to lay down against the bedroll again. She glances to him and gives him a pleading look, one he easily recognizes: she wants to be held. The Champion of Kirkwall, feared and respected and now on the run, wants him, the man who broke her heart, to hold her.

Anders does not hesitates. He moves to pull off his outer robes and then lays down beside her. He pulls her to his chest and holds her tightly. He feels his heart race in his chest. He buries his head into her white hair and lets his mind wander to the moments that made them happy.

He remembers feeding cats with her. He remembers taking the calico and her kittens and letting them live in the Hawke Estate where they were able to live happily under their care. He remembers cooking a special romantic dinner for her and presenting her with a pillow for her writing desk's chair. He remembers accepting her gift of a tome on children's fairy tales involving cats. He remembers coming to her chambers for the first time and then over and over, night after night until he simply stayed. He remembers holding her just like this when her mother was killed.

He had never seen her cry before.

"Before Meredith and Orsino truly began to turn on one another, we were so happy then."

It pains him deeply how hollow her voice is. He squeezes her tighter. Though there is much to still do, though there are enemies hunting them down from all corners of Thedas, though a war has broken out, he cannot bear her empty voice and her broken heart. This is more important to him than anything else. The rest of the world is miles away.

"We can be happy again, I believe it," Anders tries his best to inspire her as well as she can inspire the others to fight. Now more than ever she needs to fight. "We will be happy. I promise you. We will have our peace—the peace you fought for, the peace I will fight for. What good is freedom if there is no peace?"

Anders feels her nod, but it's not enough.

"Every day from now I will fight to show you that my word is true. This is what I will fight for. I am a free man, and I want to enjoy my freedom with you, if you will have me."

Titania rolls in his arms and faces him. She cups his cheek in her palm and brushes her thumb along his stubble.

"I want you at my side, Anders." She moves her hand into his hair and unties the ribbon holding a portion of his blonde hair. "I have fought for freedom. Our freedom."

Titania's eyes fill with tears and she works hard to fight them back. "So long ago I used to dream of you and I. The life of a warrior was fitting, no doubt, but I…"

"You what, Titania?"

"I was foolish enough to look ahead to the future. Before everything changed, I thought about what our life could be like in those six years when things settled for good. I dreamed of a life we will never have, and I do not dream of it any more."

Anders' eyes widen. He searches her features, desperately seeking answers for what she dreamed of.

"They are unimportant. There are many things more important than foolish whims."

"No, Titania!" He grips her in his arms and narrows his brows. "Listen to me. I was wrong. You were right! I should have trusted you. I should have trusted you as much as I loved you. I should have shared so much with you, and now, I will tell you so that you will know."

Titania drops her hand to his shoulder. "Very well. I'm listening."

"Do you think I didn't dream as well? Do you really believe I didn't want a future with you as well? Even if it was hopeless, I layed awake every night longing for you. When I finally was in your arms, I layed awake dreaming of where you and I could go to escape from all of this. I dreamed of a life we could have in which the most important thing to me was you and our family."

"Family? Do you mean my own?"

"No, Titania, I dreamed of you and I marrying. I dreamed of having children together. I dreamed of owning a home in the middle of the woods, Maker, I damned well thought of all the stray cats we'd feed."

Titania looks up at him with surprise. She purses her brows. "You have thought about us…a home, cats, you and I. Have you really?"

"I have, really." He bends down and presses his forehead against hers. "I dreamed of a family. I will not be shy about it no longer. I dreamed of having two girls. I dreamed of marrying you and being your husband. I dreamed of a world where you alone were more important than anything else. That is the future I desire."  
Anders pauses. "In the final fight, when all hope seemed lost, you came to me and told me you still loved me. You still wanted to be at my side, and I carried those dreams with me to the end. The promise of one day having a family with you."

Titania offers him a small smile and he sees the beginnings of hope stir in her eyes again. He holds her in his arms as she drifts off to rest. When he joins her and falls asleep himself, it's the most restful sleep he's enjoyed in months.

It will take time to rebuild the trust they shared, but to him, it is the most important task.


End file.
